Tips for Men

1) Approach gender violence as a MEN’S issue involving men of all ages and socioeconomic, racial, and ethnic backgrounds. View men not only as perpetrators or possible offenders, but as empowered bystanders who can confront abusive peers.

2) Remember that rape, dating violence, and stalking are all about power and control. Your desires may be beyond your control, but your actions are within your control and you are always responsible for them.

3) If a brother, friend, classmate, or teammate is abusing his female partner—or is disrespectful or abusive to girls and women in general—don’t look the other way. If you feel comfortable doing so, try to talk to him about it. Urge him to seek help. Or, if you don’t know what to do, consult a friend, parent, professor, or a counselor. DO NOT REMAIN SILENT.

4) Have the courage to look inward. Question your own attitudes. Don’t be defensive when something you do or say ends up hurting someone else. Try hard to understand how your own attitudes and actions might inadvertently perpetrate sexism and violence, and work toward changing them.

5) Be aware that your physical size and presence can be intimidating. Many victims report they felt fear based on the perpetrator’s size. Also remember that it is never ok to force yourself on your partner, regardless of whether you just met or have known each other for years. It is also not OK to force yourself, even if: s/he eases you; dresses provocatively or leads you on; says “no” and you think s/he means “yes”; you have had sex with the person before; you’ve paid for dinner or given expensive gifts; or the person is under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

6) If you are emotionally, psychologically, physically, or sexually abusive to women, or have been in the past, seek professional help NOW.

7) Be an ally to women who are working to end all forms of gender violence. Support the work of women’s centers. Attend “Take Back the Night” rallies and other public events. Raise money for community-based rape crisis centers and battered women’s shelters. If you belong to a team or another student group, organize a fundraiser. Attend programs, take courses, watch films, and read articles and books about multicultural masculinities, gender inequality, and the root causes of gender violence.

8) Recognize and speak out against homophobia and gay-bashing. Discrimination and violence against lesbians and gays are wrong in and of themselves. This abuse also has a direct link to sexism (e.g. the sexual orientation of men who speak out against sexism is often questioned, a conscious or unconscious strategy intended to silence them. This is a key reason few men do so).

9) Don’t use drugs or alcohol and keep an eye on friends who do. Drinking and/or using drugs is not a legal defense to rape or assault. The perpetrator or any crime is always responsible for his/her actions.

10) Don’t fund sexism. Refuse to purchase any magazine, rent any video, subscribe to any web site, or buy any music that portrays girls or women in a sexually degrading or abusive manner. Protest sexism in the media.

11) Mentor and teach young boys about how to be men in ways that don’t involve degrading or abusing girls and women. Volunteer to work with gender violence prevention programs, including anti-sexist men’s programs. Lead by example.

12) Never make assumptions, always talk about things and clarify. If you have been with a partner for only an hour or several years, never assume that you know what your partner wants. Check your assumptions to be sure the actions are consensual. If you are getting double messages, ask questions.